Who am I?

A further exploration of my gender identity and questions I have....

About a year and a half ago, I wrote a piece entitled “About my identity” where I explored and explained the various aspects of my identity. I wanted to come back to some of that because there is a part of my identity that I am still not entirely sure about.

The part I am referring to is my gender. I have long questioned whether I am transfem non-binary or a trans woman. There are a couple of things that have held me back. First off, I can’t say I ever called myself a girl when I was younger. Second, I’ve never experienced the type of dysphoria with my body (other than my body hair) that most trans women seem to feel.

That being said, I do love it when people use female words to refer to me. Every time I am called “she” or “ma’am”, it gives me an excited tingle in my heart, one I never get when called “they”. Also, I do enjoy wearing dresses and skirts and feel more relaxed when I am in one. Thirdly, when I got a friend to measure me to see if I could wear a bra, I was disappointed when I was told that my chest is too small to fill a bra.

The thing is, I am not sure whether my fondness for feminine things is a sign that I am a trans woman or if I am a transfem enby. And this is a question that has lingered in my mind for years, which indicates that there is something there. But I am not at all sure how to go about figuring out an answer. And yes, I know that I don’t NEED to define my identity, but doing so helps me and my peace of mind.

I don’t know if making a list of points will be helpful or if maybe I should sit down and talk with a therapist or a trans woman about how she figured out her identity. The uncertainty is not particularly draining at this point, but it is not something that I am super fond of. In most areas, I can deal with uncertainty, but when it comes to my own identity, it disturbs me more.

I have more questions than thoughts here, so I think I will end here and leave you with a poem I wrote called Identity:

Who am I?
I do not know
Round and round and round I go
And where I stop, I do not know

Once upon a time I thought I knew
But as time moves on, I am not sure I do
I thought I was this, I thought I was that
But now I realize, I am not sure where I’m at

Questions I have
Things I am wondering
I have no clue
Into what I am blundering

I know I am me
I know I am free
I don’t know what to think of thee

I am not clear
To where I am heading
Nor do I know
What idea I am wedding

I have many questions
To ask of myself
Ideas that I once had
I now put on a shelf

I once thought that I knew
Who and what I am
But now I see
That it all was a sham

Who am I?
I do not know
Round and round and round I go
And where I stop, I do not know